Life is short. But not just that.

A great philosopher was once asked, what is the most intriguing thing about human beings. He said, it is the fact that although we know our lives will come to an end, we go on as if it is never-ending and all this is perpetual. Like we are invincible. It is reflected in the choices we make, our actions, our ego, our lust after material possessions, our relationships and everything in general.

The point here is that life is not just short, it is also finite. It will come to an end for all living things on this earth, whether we like it or not. Whether we choose to or not. Do we know what death is? What happens to us or the concept of us after we die? I have had many life experiences over the last many years, and fortunately I have emerged more enlightened. And while I’ve had these musings for all that time, it is my aunt’s sudden demise in a car crash couple of weeks ago that has made me want to write this.

We often hear people say, life is short so I want to do whatever comes to mind. Life is short and I want to have fun. Life is short so I want to try everything adventurous. We seldom hear people say, life is short so I want to be the best person I can be. Our notions of success and what is best are often based on material success. We want to compete with the person next to us, to be more beautiful, more successful, more accomplished, more famous and of course more materially endowed. Sometimes we are competitive with our own siblings (luckily not in my immediate family, although I’ve seen it in other places too often), forgetting the fact that we shared the same womb. Why is it that we never compete on goodness? Why don’t we ever say that I want to be a better person than him or her?

So now back to my aunt.  The family came together like never before, forgetting all past differences, bonded by the common tragedy. Now while I don’t think something so horrible is what should bring families together, I still couldn't help ponder that some more and why it happened. The aunt that passed away was the youngest of my father's siblings. She was just about a decade or so older than my oldest sibling, and some of the other cousins were the same age as her. She therefore had the opportunity to relate to both generations. She also had this uncanny ability to make people feel comfortable around her because she was the 'young aunt who was so much fun'. Of course to her brothers and sisters she was the baby sister that was sweet and had to be pampered. So the net result was that wherever she went, happiness followed. She was someone who continued to maintain important family ties without getting embroiled in family politics or differences of views, and more importantly she and her husband were known to give help unconditionally to those around them. Even I have been the recipient of that, in the early days of my career as I was trying to figure out my next move after college. I then realized, as much as it is the enormity of the tragedy, it is also the goodness that she spread while she lived, that brought the family together. It is the collective positive impact she has had on all our lives that brought us together. That has been an added epiphany for me in the last couple of weeks, reinforcing that I am in the right spiritual path that is laden with such truth about life.

I also am inspired everyday by my grandmother’s sister, who in her 80s, has lived a mostly single life since she became a widow at 18, and has selflessly devoted her life to first being a teacher, and now taking care of her brother who was mentally challenged and is now disabled. She is a big source of strength for me, and one that helps me count my blessings every single day. What is the purpose of her life? Do we know what the purpose of our life is? Do we spend time thinking about that, ever?

Are we able to imagine for even a second, the inevitable end that we will face? How will we spend those last moments here? As we travel to another plane of existence? What legacy will we leave behind? What regrets will we have? What will bring a smile to our lips and peace to our hearts? Will it even occur when we are prepared to contemplate all this? Or will it come so suddenly?

While it is true that most things in life are beyond our control, like the tragic accident that took my aunt away, there are some things that are. Like the love and joy we can experience within ourselves, which can then be spread to others starting with our own family. By making our physical being useful to those around us, and seeing God in everything and everybody around us. But most importantly, living life everyday with the realization that life isn’t just short. It is also a miracle. It is a gift. It is to be lived with abundant goodness, so that when our time comes, there are at least a few people who we have impacted positively will miss having us around. 

And no, it cannot wait until tomorrow. Because life is also unpredictable.

Remembering 9/11 - Carrying the Compassion

9/11/2011- I am watching the 9/11 memorial on TV. For the past ten years, I have done this every single time, and worn black, pinned up a flag, and mourned the day. The World Trade Center flag which was just another flag atop a building is now a piece of a significant event, and used in the memorial. I remember the exact day in 2001, every single minute of it. Tears well up in my eyes, as I remember the fear, pain, shock, panic, people who were not fortunate enough to leave without any major physical impact, and most importantly the many lives that were lost. 9/11 did leave a mental scar in me that will stay forever.

I was 11 weeks pregnant with my first child, and it was a hot September morning, a Tuesday. I worked in downtown Manhattan, a few blocks away from the twin towers. Just a few days earlier, we had moved to a suburban NJ house with the impending expansion in the family, and I was taking the ferry instead of the PATH train that goes to the WTC.  27th of August, to be precise. (I have another reason to remember the 27th of August, but that is irrelevant here). I was walking towards my building as my ferry landed at 8.40, and since I was in my first trimester weirdness of feeling hungry and queasy at the same time, I picked up a big breakfast just in case. As I went up to the 44th floor of my building, into my office, and looked outside my window, I was faced with a black sky and debri flying everywhere. As I was wondering if the yankees had won another game and this was a ticker-tape parade, but still couldn’t explain the darkness, a colleague of mine walked in and said, “a plane has hit the WTC”. It was just a few minutes after 8.46, when the plane hit the first tower. We all concluded it was an amateur pilot who had gotten the tower, although there were still questions around how the plane got into a restricted air space that too so low?

Through the heated discussion, we all heard another big boom (to this date, I still don’t know how I missed the first one). Our building shook so violently I thought it has been hit. It also hit all of us at the exact same moment that this is not an accident. My instincts took over, and I remember starting to shake all over, holding on to a colleague’s hand and asking him to take me down right away and that I was pregnant. Every single person on the floor started walking towards the elevators and thankfully we were still able to take it down instead of the stairs (another decision that was questionable later on).

I was panicking even more as someone mentioned the second plane during the ride down the elevators. This was the second hit at 9.03. My mind was concluding that all tall buildings were being attacked by terrorists and mine was next. I was also torn between helping the ones that may need help, vs. saving my baby and myself. The maternal instincts won out, and I think that’s what made me single-mindedly look for the father of my children (who also worked a few blocks away) and plan my leaving the island. Luckily I ran into him in a few minutes, which was a miracle given the mob of people in the streets of downtown that day. I remember the heat of the day as I was waiting for my ferry back, in my black suit jacket, and the anxiety I was feeling as there was a big line of people waiting to get out as well. The boat finally arrived, and they boarded all of us. It was the ‘usual’ 10am run, and as the boat was pulling away from the pier, the first tower started to collapse in plain sight.

It was horror like nothing I’ve felt before. What was considered an impact to a few floors had now turned into a building collapse of the tallest building in NY. All the firemen who were trying to save lives, all the curious onlookers who were too close lost their lives. The rest of the people in the boat were screaming, crying and panicking. I was in a state of shock and couldn’t feel any emotions anymore. It felt  like a scene straight from a horror movie, with a plume of smoke not unlike a nuclear detonation, happening not too far away.  The only other thought in my head was if the boat had not left yet, I would’ve had to inhale all that and wondered what it would’ve done to my 11 weeks pregnancy.

I had severe nightmares for several months following the event. I did eventually go back to work after taking a couple of weeks off, and the stench of death in downtown still lingers in my memory. Many stories emerged over the days and weeks after that. From a close friend who worked on the 92nd floor of tower 2 (she was the first one I called), who had a narrow escape, to people to who lost their loved ones, to entire firms being wiped out (Cantor Fitzgerald),. Stories of people who jumped out of the high floors choosing death that way instead of burning at 5000F from aviation fuel, people who resigned the next day only to get married the week after to  their partner. People who left NY to move to the west coast to take a  job that paid less than half their wall street careers, people who chose to leave the country altogether (which became a reality for me only 5 years later, which I still believe was triggered by 9/11).

I witnessed for the first time in my life, the low point of humanness. That we are capable of such horror and causing damage to each other at stunning proportions. My innocence was lost. It was a biased experience, as this kind of carnage had been happening all over the world previously, and I was shielded from it all along. But this was too close to home, too real. My daughter asks me why I am crying as I am watching the names being called on TV, and I tell her - “These are people just like me, who went to work in Manhattan. They were simply in the wrong building that day and so lost their chance to live”.

All the mothers, fathers, spouses, grandfathers, grandmothers, uncles, aunts and children who were working hard to provide for their family, never went back home that day. High powered executives to janitors, firefighters who were there to save another’s life, they all lost their chance to live. Many moments missed, memories unbuilt, words unspoken, love not shared.

My life has taken many unexpected turns in the last decade, some good and some not so desirable, and I find myself back in NY after 10 years, also quite unexpectedly. My pain will always stay with me, as for every 9/11 I relive the day and how it has changed me as a person forever. But instead of ripping our country apart, I see it has actually brought people closer (Putting the racial backlash that followed the incident aside). As I move into this new city, I find the innocence of a working middle-class intact. People who are helpful, welcoming, staying happy and together despite huge imperfections in their lives. They give me hope. Hope about humanity and goodness and love.

9/11 has taught me so much in the few years following, and since then there have been a few major incidents in my life which have further crushed my hope in human goodness, but I will never give up. Because I know there have also been many good people in my life, people who will stay, and I will meet many more. My goal of giving others around me abundant love and compassion, and helping to make a difference will never go away. I will carry this compassion forward, no matter what life throws at me, as I still have the gift of life. After all, I still walked out alive to tell the story.

Nice Minnesota (Nice)

I have been living quite unexpectedly in Minnesota for the past year. That sounds bizarre even to myself, despite my myriad places of residences in the last few years, and my general openness to live anywhere, and thus making me a global citizen. I take great pride in that flexibility and while I'm mostly very adaptable to new situations, and even welcome it from time to time, nothing had prepared me for Minnesota.

I don't know why I would want to write about the lakes first, but I feel like it. After all, this is the land of 10,000 lakes, and it is not just an epithet. I have seen societies which pride in making interacting with nature a priority, but nothing compares to what I've been seeing here, especially in summer when I ventured out more than in colder weather. Lakes have their own personalities and roles to play here. People build their weekend time, family bonding time, unwinding time around them. Owning a boat or a lake cabin is certainly part of the evolution of being Minnesotan. Personally I'm not there yet, but have been to lake cabins and boat rides to experience the joy.

My connection with the lakes isn't as sophisticated. But I must say it has been profound and meaningful. I have used the lake-shore near my house in multiple ways. As a playground for my kids, as an unwinding place for me with silence as my partner, as a meditation spot, as a biking companion, as a friend that I talk to internally while staring at the horizon. Oh it has seen so much of my past year, the various colors of my internal emotions, my ups and downs, my tears and smiles and a lot of melodrama. I have spent several hours (around my other responsibilities) simply listening to music and staring at the water, looking for answers either to pop out from the water or from within me. My life has changed and evolved, and the lake is still the same. May be a little frozen for this time of the year:-), but still mostly the same underneath. That sounds more profound than it ought to.

I have also had some variety in my lake experience, I've been on a remote one fishing with friends, attended a summer boat party with a live band on another, and walked around and done yoga by one a few times with friends. But the lake near my house will be the one I feel connected to.

People in Minnesota have a surprising warmth that they embrace you with. Having lived in the east coast, and having set very low expectations in a new city where I knew no one as I was moving in, it came as a pleasant surprise. There are still boundaries around personal space, but whatever is shared or given, is done with a smile. Many people warned me about "Minnesota nice" and how I should be careful with that, given my trusting nature. Interestingly enough, it didn't bother me at all. I strongly believe that a beautiful smile is the window to one’s soul, even if it faked. And if you can’t tell the difference, what difference does it make?

I have been very fortunate to meet some wonderful people, and I know that some of them are friends for life. They have been there during the difficult times and fun times, and seen me through my initial settling down in a new place with major life changes. And their love for me has remained consistent throughout the ups and downs. They have seen me evolve, and turn into what I am today.

And then there are the winters. You have probably read my previous blog on winter driving, and it was inspired by my first winter in Minnesota. Although cold weather is not new to me, the extremity that Minnesota presents can be challenging. Ironically, it hasn’t turned me into a fan of the cold, but has definitely increased my tolerance for the various seasons. I also have a renewed appreciation for the relatively warmer places I’ve lived. I find it even funny at some level to call the northeast warmer.

As I now look back at the almost two years, and I am standing at the threshold of my relocation back to the northeast, I cannot but marvel at all the beautiful gifts this phase of my life has given me. I take with me very precious things, mostly intangible. And I hope that they stay with me forever. I don’t think I needed anything more than the experiences that I’ve just been through, perfectly timed. The warmth of the people despite the cold weather, the happiness and welcoming nature of the loved ones that surround me has been priceless, and of course, nice!

Tum Mile..

The Bollywood music and culture always intrigue me...with its extreme expressions of emotions, both desirable and difficult ones. The songs have a mood of their own, which when listened to can stroke your heart in the direction it is flowing or rip it apart with its sharp-edged currents going the other way. This writing is flowing after another one of my silent rendezvous with my favorite Medicine lake on a rainy Saturday coupled with a dose of my so called favorite songs. I curbed my emotional state to just expressing through this writing after having to stop the urge to go soak in the rain as it was in the 60's and chilly.

Some of us are created special. We are tinged with extreme sensitivity and awareness of the world we live in, from an emotional and human perspective. Somehow we are able to hover over even our own personal situations and rationalize events objectively. We are able to explain others' behaviors even if they affect us negatively and always able to give the benefit of doubt. Compassion and love flow like no other from our hearts.. and the hearts get broken or stabbed or simply poked at multiple times as the portal is always open. We let it happen...but we bless the ones that do it and move on.

We are so close to the divine, that we become divine. We want to give and forgive, even if the people around us only want to get and forget. We become tickets to prosperity and receive attention in a single dimension. Yet we survive because we operate at a different plane of existence. Normal rules of desires, wishes don't and cannot apply to us. You will find us in special situations, almost always. The situation is demanding, and unbelievable even. Sometimes deemed as theoretically impossible..but we exist. Significantly.

Being in this plane of existence teaches us to teeter between the material pulls and things that we are supposed to "enjoy" and the real world as we perceive it. Everything seems like a bubble after the momentary pleasure it offers. We gather a string of those those bubbles relentlessly, nonetheless. The multiple experiences perhaps creates a callousness that becomes the foundation or the bed for the emotions to rest on. There is no soaking in anything with sustainability.. there are only spikes of superior and beautiful states of mind that get imprinted to be carried forward as memories. We are not expected to expect sustainability.

We become experts at self-sufficiency. Especially emotional ones. The definition of family and friends is quite contorted in our minds were you to compare us to the worldly structures that exist around us. In our world, there are no egos. There is only giving endlessly. People come and go.. and we continue to connect and give. Back lashes do exist, but it all becomes part of the existence and become the smaller pieces of the mosaic called "this year" or the "next..." whatever numbers you want to put next to them from the Gregorian calendar. We become Lord Tennyson's brook in the brook's song "For men may come and men may go.. but I go on forever"..men here obviously means the larger humanity.

We are yet forced to exist within constraints. Because we are so special, even a small possibility of a deviation from the "norms" can create ripples the size of tsunamis. I am now reminded of the robotic arms that are multiple scales larger than human arms but yet we operate them. Even a tiny movement from the small human hand, can knock something big as the robotic arm moves. In the spirit of objectivity, let me be fair. The giving does happen, in some beautiful unspoken connections, but it ebbs and flows, and we lose some of the mental elasticity as we get pulled and pushed. And the giving that existed seems like a mirage of where you have become an outlet to someone else's unfortunate situation, just because you happen to be there. You deal with it because you love them unconditionally.

Every moment of wonderment is cherished by us. There are a lot of moments of puzzlement as well, as the frequencies of giving don't match with the others. Over the years we learn that love is unconditional; it is not something just to be received but to be given in abundance; it wants to give with no limits but does not expect anything in return; it is forgiving; there is only one universal love on which we put multiple layers; these layers can be friendship, intelligence, romance, family, physical beauty, success, talents etc.; when you peel the layers off there is just white light everywhere; but again - we are all in a perpetual state of waiting - waiting for people around us to catch up with us and sing in this beautiful frequency.

"Tum Mile to mil gaya aasman" - beautifully conceived by a poet but really? Who really wants aasman these days? I personally just want some sanity sprinkled with a few smiles here and there. Unfaltering and unwavering consistent positive connection, that's not aasman is it?

Life is made up of small memories that are precious. Like the grains of the sand or the droplets of rain that make huge beautiful rainbows even though temporary. And I just want to collect those tiny droplets of memories tainted with love.. for what good is life with no rainbows to share...

Oh did I say "share"? I am incorrigible..am I not? But I'm sure you will understand if you are one of us;-)

My Spiritual Make-over - Part II

I have never received Reiki before. I've done some chakra and energy meditation through the years but never directly the Reiki technique. The next session was a combination of energy and Reiki work, and a body wrap. I wasn't sure what to expect exactly and was at most assuming something akin to a spa experience which pampers you to the core. Needless to say, it turned out to be much more than that. My practitioner did the typical feeling of energy flow by hovering her hands all over. She confirmed Kathy's earlier description of where my energy level was stagnated and where it was flowing. All the pent up emotions about my health started surfacing as I felt very connected with her when she started moving her hands a few inches above my body. I started meditating deeply almost immediately. Reiki is also based on the belief that the divine energy or power is working through the practitioner. And although I was pleading in my meditation to the higher power to heal me of my inexplicable pains that have eluded the most read western doctors despite the myriad of tests, I was fully aware of what was going on.

I was quite impressed when she put her finger exactly on spots where the pain was centered and asked me if I had trouble there. She worked her magic which included some combination of deep-tissue massage and energy work. After a long session, I felt like a new person. The body wrap signified the "cocoon" you come out of as you are "reborn". I profusely thanked her at her kindness and given my needs, (as she called it - there were several "dams" in my body that were holding up energy flow), she spent extra time with me. I came out of the session elated, but I did not realize how special it was until the next day.

Immediately after grabbing a quick dinner, I started exploring the little shops on that highway, although most of them were closed given the time. There was one open, and I had been trying to get there for two days - so once I noticed the "open" neon sign I immediately drove there. It was an interesting shop that sold all kinds of spiritual paraphernalia. After browsing the products for a few minutes, I opted to get my "aura" photography. The human body has seven chakras that each have the characteristic of the spectrum colors in the rainbow. And they each also signify an emotion or character that is dominant in a person. Of course I was curious! As soon as I walked into the frame of vision of a special camera attached to a computer, there was just violet and blue and purple on the screen. It was amazing to see myself with an aura surrounding my body, and to top that they gave me a 20-page report that did a more detailed analysis on several aspects. Sure enough, the chakra photograph and analysis coincided exactly with what I had learnt from the practitioners about my dominant chakras previously. The throat represents blue and the forehead, violet! I was sufficiently impressed at not just the information, but being at a cross-road where Science and Spirituality met and appreciating the singularity of it all.

Day 3:
The day started with a hypnotic meditation, yet another technique for me explore. I am a big skeptic of hypnosis, and actually was anxious as I walked into the practitioner's home. I had read some literature previously on extreme forms of hypnosis that could alter behavior. However I relaxed once I got in and she explained the process to me. I was quite comfortable at the premise that the power to heal and solutions to problems were actually already within us. We just need to bring it out of the subconscious, and that's where a semi-hypnosis state can help you think clearly and "outside the head". It turned out to be a very emotional session, with lots of tears. It was all about what you perceived as your domain or your "circle of life" and what is dominantly present there. I of course had the Lord in there, a snake, my childhood dog, my maternal grandmother and a big huge diamond. The snake in alternative healing represents transformation or change, how it sheds its old skin for new, so does life keeps changing. It also represented my fear of all that I had been afraid to face in my life. At the end of the meditation however, I had taken the snake and worn it around my neck. That's good news!

My dog represented unconditional love, and I sobbed uncontrollably thinking of her. She had given me so much love, without expecting much in return. The way love should be. My grandmother represented the maternal affection, but she also spoke to me about women's suffering in the context of cultural norms and dogmas that can imprison us. They are also capable of paralysing us, when we need the most strength to face the vicissitudes of life. The Lord spoke and made me understand clearly that he had always been with me, and will always be. It was a glorious vision, and one that I would never forget. The diamond was to top it all with huge successes and positive experiences life has in store for me. I had cried so much during the session and my head felt heavy with spaghetti thoughts.

It was my last day and it was time to sum it all up with Kathy. We did the closing conversation and I selected three rune stones from a random collection to represent - what else? transformation, change etc. and was once again impressed with the accuracy and relevance of what I was going through and my choice of the stones. Specifically, I had picked runes around Rite of passage and cycle of initiation, and the three stones represented Womanhood and Strength, Partnership and the Beginning of a New life.

Next came the toughest part of it all. Kathy spread some options on the coffee table, each of which read and represented things we need to make our life complete. It ranged from love, happiness, joy, health and wealth. I had to pick one, but one without the rest can be quite meaningless actually. I made myself proud by picking "Gratitude!" I recognized that I had most of the "table-spread" in my life already, but some things were keeping me down. And I also learnt, having just taken one step forward in my spiritual journey, that by being grateful for everything I have, I will attract more of them. So I chose GRATITUDE!

I rattled on to her, "I am grateful for my motherhood, for who I am, my spirituality and quest for the truth, for my physical body through which the Divine acts, and even for the many material things I have. I am especially grateful for all the love and affection I get in my life, from my parents, my kids, my new special friend who is teaching me my own worth, another who has been a pillar of strength and yet another who is a friend for life. I am grateful for the many experiences that life has given me, good and bad, that have made me wiser and more connected with Him." I went on thus with a big smile and could feel my heart expanding with the love I felt for the Universe.

Kathy did give me one last piece of information which was the best parting gift she could given me as I got ready to leave. She said during the healing session with the practitioner, the practitioner also felt tremendous energy from me, and both our energies were "dancing together" in a manner of speaking. This apparently helped further the healing process and also explained the power of my own meditation to me. She said "You could be a healer!". A healer! Me? Is it really possible that there is yet another avenue through which I can help others? This was of course later confirmed by the Reiki practitioner who I called just last week to simply get another Reiki treatment, who talked me into taking the Reiki healing class because "the Spirit asked her to do so!". Now I did take the Reiki attunement level 1 class, and have started practising it in a small way. Who knows what lies beyond this new door? I would only know when I am brave enough to open it and start exploring... and I definitely have opened it.

Thanks for reading. Spiritually Yours..

My Spiritual Make-over - Part I

Spirituality is very simple and yet there is no end to the depth within yourself you can reach. And as far as I am concerned, "all roads lead to Rome" or as my guide Ed quipped "There are many ways to get to the top of the mountain, but the view is the same". My spiritual retreat was a quilt of different kinds of experiences, with some complex emotions bubbling to the surface, and substantial elimination of dark emotions, while enabling the inner light to shine through in shades of rainbow. I did take a picture of my aura but that again deserves its own detailed mention!

Day 1:
Met Ed at the reception of my inn and we drove to a remote place to start the initiation ceremony for the next 3 days that are to be some of the grandest in my life. As I climbed off his vehicle and set foot on the land near a vortex, I felt electricity ripple through me. I resigned it as the initial excitement of a new journey that was about to begin. After the cleansing process and setting the intent for the retreat with the awe-inspiring red rocks as the backdrop, we got into a brief meditation which started opening the door to my inner self, albeit just a crack and light started creeping in rapidly. And after ogling at the rocks some more which invariably resulted in a naive ambition of wanting to capture all the beauty in some mundane pictures, I followed him out of the trail..

After lunch at a vegetarian place with delightful food that pleases the senses and the taste buds alike, I proceeded to meet Kathy for the emotional clearing session. Kathy and I spoke for a while with the sole intent (on my part anyway) of building a rapport and to mask my anxiety of whether this process was really going to work. She made me feel so much at ease and after some discussion made me go on the treatment table. I closed my eyes and completely relaxed while she tried to feel the energy flow in my body. She declared that my heart chakra and abdomen chakra were weak, but my third eye and throat were very strong. Hmm, I wondered about the really strong and relatively dominant sensations I often feel in my third-eye chakra during my deep meditations. We proceeded to a brief guided meditation and for some strange reason, the details of that session escape me in its entirety, and the only trivial bit I remember is feeling a bit disconnected with the reality soon after the session. I also felt a variety of feelings surface, not all of them pleasant. I had stirred the pot, I knew.

My next session was completely focused on a meditation technique that connects the Self to the Spirit. As someone that has been meditating for many years, I was curious about the new technique. The practitioner had some kind of scientific/medical background as well, which only piqued my curiosity further. As I entered her beautiful home, I immediately took a liking to the surroundings and the positive energy in that space. We went into a warm room, which was perfect for a deep meditation. She held my hands and it instantly brought a flood of tears in my eyes, for very many reasons. Sure enough, it was also due to the fact that I had just come out of the previous session. We proceeded to get into a guided meditation where she remained alert and kindly took notes of what I was describing through the process. Initially I didn't see anything but dark, dense and all-consuming black. Not dissimilar to a black-hole which could suck all the happiness in. I tried to recall the crack of the door opening from the first session and things got better. I saw some yellow and white light and felt the strong urge to sing. And I did exactly that! I started singing a beautiful tune which just came to me that exact instant, complete with lyrics and all. It was about joy and love and all things beautiful. It was about pleading and asking for the Divine to never leave my hands.. which as I write about it reminds me of JJ Heller's "when my world is shaking, Heaven stands; when my heart is breaking, i never leave Your hands". At the pinnacle of that beautiful meditation I saw just golden pink, and intended my life to be about helping others, having fun and being joyful. After an emotional embrace, I thanked her and left for the day to retire.

Day 2:
I had the morning to myself so proceeded to the red rock crossing which is an almost flat terrain but nonetheless beautiful trail by a creek. It was a hike to remember and the energy I felt almost levitated me off the ground. The sound of running and tricking water only added to the sensation. I met a family half way during the hike and ended up joining them for the rest of the hike.

I had been looking forward to the private vortex experience that was in the afternoon session. It turned out to be one of the highlights of the retreat. Ed and I went to the courthouse rock and strolled into the trail. We found an elevated spot to sit and Ed was trying to get me to be quiet, but I felt like talking. As I was soaking in the strong vibrations that the rocks were sending to me due to their proximity and  sheer beauty, something made me say "wonder what it would feel like up there?". And I meant the rocks of course. Ed quite unexpectedly stood up and said, "let's go find out". I looked at him incredulously and after some negotiating on which ledge was achievable, settled on one that looked the least imposing and started walking towards the rock with him. As I got closer though, my fear of climbing swirled in my head. Ed kept pushing me, and encouraged me to mimic him, and how he stepped on the rocks as he went up. "Look at the next immediate step, not the huge rock in front of you". Good advice - I thought. For life as well! In about twenty minutes without too much effort I had reached the top of the ledge behind Ed. I grinned from ear to ear as I surveyed the height we were in but couldn't help wonder how do I get back down! Ignoring that momentarily, we meditated for a while atop the ledge and I breathed in deeply the pristine air and the enormous bliss that comes with it. Precisely at that moment I also realized Ed had shown me a part of myself that assumes the possible to be impossible. And the key to opening that up was within me, only me! It was time for me to go the next session which involved a body wrap and energy work, and it sounded like just the thing I needed after two hikes since that morning.  We made it back down and headed towards town again.

To be continued....

Phoenix, the phoenix, other places and things...

Christmas eve - amidst the uncertainty of actually making it to Arizona, due to the unexpected snowstorm in the midwest, I somehow managed to make it to the airport. Sure was pleasantly surprised to find my flight was on AND was on time when all others were betting whether their flights would take off or not. Something to do with flying out of the smaller terminal perhaps or pure destiny? The airport experience started on a lighter note with the person checking me in commenting on my scarf and getting excited that she has the same one that she purchased in a NY sidewalk sale, just like I had.

I have never been an avid driver and with the usual skepticism around things I don't consider my cup of tea, I landed in Phoenix and took the shuttle straight to the rental car agency. Hearing that I needed to drive to Sedona I was offered a car with a better capacity. I started my drive from Phoenix to Sedona with music as my only companion. I must thank my DJ friend who'd just updated the ipod song list for this trip. My heart and spirits were singing and uplifted that made the drive feel like floating in the clouds. I know it might sound exaggerated but this is my blog, remember?

Sedona approached in no time after just one stop to stretch, and as I drove through the meandering "circles" the excitement started creeping into me. It was unexpectedly cold (for me anyway) as I hadn't done my research fully on the geographical attributes of the region and wasn't warmly dressed. The amazing Grand Canyon was in my agenda, but since the day I was planning to go there was a holiday (Christmas) there were no scheduled tours. So I decided to drive there myself the next day. It turned out to be a really good decision, as the drive was not just scenic but easy as well given the really high speed limits and mostly empty highways. As I drove through Flagstaff appreciating the approaching peaks and valleys, it was taking me into a meditative state already.

Grand Canyon was colder. But seeing it with snow for real rendered me speechless, and I felt the awe that I usually do when looking at natural splendors. This is so big, God has to be bigger and I am so small. And despite the tourist crowd, there is a certain serenity to the place, and I could almost hear the winds whispering the past secrets of people who've been there before me and many others. And as a person that is naturally sensitive to vibrations and energy, I could feel an undeniably strong presence. Naturally, I attributed it to the fact that it was a holy land and dwelling place for native Americans.

I had to pull myself out of the trance of looking at it from many different angles, and after multiple stops and photos, reluctantly turned back to start my drive to Sedona. Although, I vowed to myself to do the Colorado river rafting, to be in the Canyon and see it up-close and personal sometime in future. The drive back was no less exciting. With the San Fransisco peaks looming on me, and the Flagstaff folks sledding in the endless sea of snow by the highway near town, I was in another world - a new world. A world of wonderment at everything like a child and in a "rampage of appreciation".

Sedona is a very unique place. I had planned to spend almost three days there, and I meant for it to partially be a spiritual retreat. The retreat itself enabled me to meet some very wonderful human beings and it deserves a separate blog. But even otherwise, it is a place filled with positive energy and forces you to do soul-searching through self-discovery.

As I got back to my inn after the Grand Canyon, I decided to explore on a place to eat dinner. The person at the reception had given me just some steak houses and other places which are mainstream. Determined to find that perfect place, I ignored that information and starting driving aimlessly when a sign attracted me "Organic vegan food" - hurray! It was a quaint local eatery which seemed to have a regular following. As I walked in, sure enough it was a homely ambiance and I picked a remote table to get some peace and quiet. But it was not to be! An elderly lady walked by and stunned me with her question - "are you being punished or something? why don't you come and join us?". Of course I couldn't resist - I was there after all for unique experiences. I joined her and her husband, along with two other complete strangers, and ended up having not only great food but an enchanting conversation around religion, gurus and all things spiritual.

The next day my spiritual journey started and you will have to read my next blog for the unbelievable experiences I had.

My friend from Phoenix came up to meet me two days later, and we drove back together from Sedona. We stopped once to buy exquisite Indian turquoise jewellery and then raced some on the highway, and after an exhilarating drive we reached her place. It turns out that she is a cowgirl as well, other than a successful career woman! I was pleasantly surprised and eager to get to know that side of her. Moose her Labrador and I took a special liking to each other for some reason.

The rest of the trip was done like a typical tourist, that weighed heavily on fun and less on profundity. I visited the desert botanical gardens and the next day shopped for some more turquoise jewellery. The experience included wearing elaborate but borrowed jewellery and posing with the native American mannequins at the store! The other unforgettable episode was the horse-back riding, just before heading out to the airport to travel back home. Bonding with Monte and riding him was so amazing and it reassured my adventurous spirit.

Some get-aways can make you happy, or even make you cry, and some can touch you emotionally or simply leave you awestruck. I couldn't categorize this trip in any one of them. And although there were some deep emotions, it was much more than that. It was like peeling an onion, and removing layers of self-inflicted boundaries, and perceptions and opinions formed over years. Sometimes this realization can knock you out of the complacency about yourself, and makes you rise like the phoenix bird from the ashes of unwanted and negative memories and impressions.

There you go! Now you know the reason behind the title of the blog.. Read on..